"What are you hoping for???"

It's the most asked question of us right now. I suppose that it's a question birth parents get asked also. Our question feels much more loaded though: boy or girl doesn't even scratch the surface! There's a 3 page list of characteristics wit "yes, no, & will consider" check boxes beside them for us to fill out: ranging from "wears glasses to problems at home or school to animal cruelly to arson to how much contact with birth connections (parents, grandparents, etc) are you willing to maintain."

I think the most shocking one on that list is "publicly and openly masturbates." It must have happened somewhere for it to be on the list!

While I won't share all the gritty details of our "yes, no, will consider" list, especially because we're still working on it, I will share some basics with you.

Generally speaking we are comfortable with:

• children 0-7 years old 
• boys and girls 
• a single child or small sibling groups (2 children) 
• children that are not medically fragile
• more info on what that means on this link
• any race, ethnicity etc 

As far as our schedule at this point, we're going to do our 1st of 5 family profile meetings (the "home study") in early December then I'll have my one on on meeting in January while Paul is at BCT. Once Paul returns in March he'll knock out his one on one and then we'll get our last 3 together meetings done (including the home walk through) before he heads to OCS in April/May. 

While he's at OCS I'll start looking at potential matches on the Pennsylvania Adoption Exchange website and hopefully we'll start looking at matches and begin the courting/matching process with children once he returns. 

It's all very exciting for me! 

Classes are done!

Since Classes are done now, which is a huge sigh of relief we had a "let's touch base" meeting with our caseworker the other evening.

It went well! We are going to start the 1st of our 5 case study meetings in December! Which is SOOO EXCITING!

We have some paperwork that we need to get finished up and I need to get to the doctors for a physical which is no big deal at all.

This thanksgiving I am going to be thankful that our family is one step closer to having small humans as a part of it!

Grief and Loss

Tonight was our last Class!! It was about Grief and Loss and how children cope with their losses. It's hard being a kiddo in the child welfare system, and the more I learn the more I am prepared for their onslaught of STUFF. But that's all ok. That is all going to happen, because this kid needs love, stability, support and help. And we're going to offer it to them.

Update otherwise: Paul is going to Basic in January so we're hitting the pause button for now until we start our 5 meeting home study in the spring. Looking forward to it!

... 1 to go

Our instructor for Grief and Loss emailed us today to set up our tutorial/one-on-one instruction. Other than that WE'RE DONE WITH CLASSES! How exciting!

The last few classes were a bit heart breaking - these future children may be so torn from hope, from what healthy love is that they will need a lot of help.

I am willing to crack open my heart - give love, give boundaries, provide comfort.

This is our journey, it is good.

It's been a while

It's October and a lot has happened the last few months. We're still on our Adoption Journey though!

Paul joined the National Guard in August and will be at Basic Combat Training and OCS most of next spring. We're getting our classes finished up this month though and looking forward to them.

Then once we get though the classes part 2 begins: the home study.

Five meetings with our caseworker to get an idea of our life and what kind of match we will have. The last meeting is the house walk-through, the dreaded house walk through! It's ok, I know we're going to be just fine.

We are pausing while Paul is away at BSC and OCS, but all things in good time.

Resource Books

At our Parenting and Resources class this weekend we were given a list of some great resources for adopting children and preparation. Books that caseworkers often recommend. There's a lot on the market, believe me, I just looked all of these up on Amazon, and there are LOTS of books. So its really nice to have some focused reading to do in the next few months.
As of right now we're on track to start looking at matches starting in December so that's exciting. 

Anyway, I just wanted to share what books were recommended to us at the class. I'll probably do a post full of links another time with all of the internet sites we were given to use as needed.

I just put all of these on my amazon wish list too. The one I am going to start with is The Connected Child, I'll be headed to the library soon to pick that one up.

The Connected Child: Bring Hope and Healing to Your Adoptive Family by Karyn B. Purvis, David R. Cross, Wendy Sunshine

Parenting the Hurt Child: Helping Adoptive Families Heal and Grow (Hollywood Nobody) by Gregory Keck, Regina Kupecky

Attaching in Adoption: Practical Tools for Today's Parents By Deborah D. Gray

20 Things Adoptive Parents Need to Succeed by Sherrie Eldridge

The Primal Wound: Understanding the Adopted Child by Nancy Newton Verrier

Twenty Things Adopted Kids Wish Their Adoptive Parents Knew by Sherrie Eldridge

The 3-5-7 Model: A Practice Approach to Permanency by Darla L. Henry

Dare to Love (Beyond Consequences Book 3) by Heather T. Forbes LCSW

Building the Bonds of Attachment: Awakening Love in Deeply Troubled Children by Daniel A. Hughes

Breathing

Taking a moment this morning to enjoy the cool Late-July air. It's nice to just sit and hear the bird song, feel the soft cool air on my skin, to enjoy the morning.
As I sat I thought about our future child. How future child may push me, us, away. Might be resentful. How that will be hard.
And I took a deep breath. Knowing full well these things might happen, will happen, I smiled.

Parenting, the internet tells me, is super hard. I can't tell you the amount of "Parenting is really hard" posts/articles I've seen pop up on my facebook newsfeed in the past month. And yet, I remain undeterred.

Yes, it will be hard.

It will be harder for us, because our child comes with a history not our own. Not shared with us. We will have to navigate together what their history and our history have and what we can make our shared lives be.

It's a lot like falling in love with an adult human.

You meet someone, it works out, but you each have years and years of history. Things that make the other person crazy, things that make the other person love you so much. Things that make the other person cry with you, for you.  Then you promise to love and be there for each other.

It's like adopting our future child. Future child will have history, will have connections to people we may never meet, or know, or know of.  And I can accept that. And embrace it.

Another person to learn about, to share with, to grow with? To watch grow?

In what world does a biological child do exactly as parents say? Not rebell? Not drive you up a wall?

In no world. And in this world, our child will too. Born to my heart, not from my womb.

Weekend Review

This weekend's classes were good. Parents and Children we're smooshed together and Child Development was in the afternoon. Child Development was fun - I always enjoyed my psych classes in High School and College and this gave an interesting view of the development of a foster child and how that differs so much from a "typical" child.

Parents and Children was a lot to take in. We arrived a few minutes late because of traffic from a lane closure that wasn't closed (typical Pittsburgh). There were a lot more people there than I expected. All from different agencies, different goals, different child age range wants and needs.

The most astounding statistic from the class was that ABOUT 80% of children in "the system" have had sexual abuse. That ranges from someone watching a pornographic video or movie with someone to rape. A wide range, but the fact that 80% of children have this happen to them made my heart break.

There was a lot to take in otherwise. But nothing that made me say "No, I can't do this" I know our future child is going to have special needs of some kind - be that they need psychological care, extra patience, extra care, I know this. I know my child won't be "normal," especially at first, maybe forever. But who is? I struggle with my own history sometimes, we each have our own journey. Someday we will hold future child's hands as they take their own journey.

Classes this Weekend!

Just a few days until our 1st Saturday of classes! I'm really excited for it.
I just looked at my ical and realized it was Thursday, this whole week each day I have thought "It feels like Thursday." EXCEPT for today! How funny!

Also, that means I just have to wait through tomorrow to get to classes on Saturday morning! This session won't be at The Children's Home because they are doing renovations, so we're at an alternate location in Shadyside.  Which will be nice because there's less street and building construction to deal with en route.

This weekend's classes are: Who are the Children, Who are the Parents, and Child Development.

As far as I can tell from our packets:

Who are the Children is about adoption vocabulary, the court processes from removal to adoption, birthparent responsibilities, and Foster/Resource Parent rights. Then the fun stuff: like what the child is going through, adoptive family issues, concerns, and being an advocate for the child.

Who are the Parents is about defining why you want to become a foster to adopt parent, changes in family dynamics, what children may expect from parents, what birth families these children may come from.

Child development will cover the effects of foster care on children, physical and psychological development through the years - birth to 18, and what early intervention is and how it is used.

We'll have class in the morning, break for lunch on our own, come back and will end around 4pm. In conversations with my friend who is also adopting through the same track this weekend is the most "scary." We shall see.

As far as paperwork goes, I've stalled out. I know we don't actually have that much more to fill out, or do, it's just looking things up and this and that, here and there. I may finish my auto-biography tonight though. On the plus side, Paul's employment verification is done, and 2 of our references have mailed in their paperwork! HOORAY!

I emailed with my caseworker and she agreed that while we may have some done and just waiting to be mailed, it's better to mail it in as few batches as possible. So I don't feel bad about not getting things in as soon as it's done.

I am so happy to be hitting a milestone this weekend!

Chuckle

That moment when you are no longer really angry about infertility and instead are excited about the "wait" ahead.

It's nice.

That's not to say that I won't ever be angry about the infertility or the miscarriage. Or feel bad feelings about it. Or be confused by it. All of those feelings are valid and allowed. But I am happy that I don't have those feelings at this moment. Or in recent memory.

It's nice to let those go.

The Waiting Game

A lot of our paperwork is done! There's still stuff to do, a few blanks spaces to fill in, but it's all sorted and filled out mostly. 

Which is HUGE. 

We still have clearances and classes to do. We start our classes NEXT MONTH, July!! We have 2 Saturdays scheduled as of right now in July and 3 evenings in September. 

All of which I am very excited for. 

In September we'll submit our clearance paper work, FBI: Act 33&34,  State Criminal History check, finger printing. Because these only last a year we are waiting a little while to start on these so that they work for us longer, because we'll have to renew next year and why "waste" a few months of them if we don't need to. 

That's it for now, just an update of where we are in the process! 

We're in Paperwork Country

After doing some research Paul and I chose The Children's Home of Pittsburgh for our adoption agency.
I wanted something local, and non-religious, and from my first email inquiry our caseworker has been open, understanding and wonderful. I immediately had a good feeling about them.
It took a few weeks between our initial contact with the agency and our scheduled meeting. Weeks filled with excitement, anticipation and research.

Our first meeting with our caseworkers (we have our main, plus a trainee - hooray!) went well.  Of course, getting to Lawrenceville, across town, was full to twists and turns - it's construction season. But once we were there it was lovely.

We sat down for about an hour and talked about why we were choosing adoption, what - generally - was ahead (paperwork, classes, home study, then matching) and what we could expect out of the processes.

The more we talked the happier and more excited I became. I tend to get chatty and full of smiles when I am really happy about something and I certainly was that evening.

We came home with our packets: a binder full of our "classwork" that we'll take to our pre-adoption classes and a folder full of things to fill out, clearances to obtain, things to sign off on. Lots and lots of paperwork.

Right now, I'm working on my "autobiography," it's basically just a big list of things to answer about: Me/Us. Paul will have to write one up too.

Paperwork, going to classes, our 5 "home study" meetings, these are concrete things. In a system where every case is unique it's nice to start out with some constants.

This is the Beginning

When Paul and I got married we had talked about having kids. We avoiding talking about kids, we used protection. Neither of us were ready to start a family.
Then we were. I got off the pill, we started trying.
And trying.
And trying.
After a few visits with the reproductive endocrinologist, some invasive looking around, and only a slight boost needed to my thyroid levels we were back on the road to trying.
And we conceived!
We were so excited, and anxious, and nervous, and hopeful.

And then devastated when an ER visit with sonogram revealed the fetus has died.  I was actively miscarrying.

I was numb.

There's a whole miscarriage story, but it's not terribly important right now.

And I went to school for Massage Therapy. I loved it.
We talked about adoption, but at the time, my heart wasn't in it, I had just started school, I still ached for my stomach to be round and with child.
But time passed.
We dusted ourselves off, the dust settled.

We tried again.

Then one day, in May, Paul looked at me and said, what do you think about adopting?
And my heart leapt with Joy, and I said Yes, let's do it.

This is how our story begins.